Divorcing the Female Narcissist, Borderline or other Abuser
If you are married to a female abuser, much
like their male counterparts, you’re in for quite the ride.
Abusers, especially narcissists and borderlines don’t like it
when a victim exercises their right to self-preservation, and like
it even less when you are married to them.
First, I’m not an attorney, but spend many
years in law enforcement and dealt with restraining orders, judicial
enforcement of custody exchange and other matters, so I’ll pass on
what I know. I also experienced this earlier in
life and lost custody of my young daughter for many years. Therefore
this is NOT legal advice, just one victim to another.
I will warn you about this, this could be the
most trying time of your experience with the narcissist and it’s
important to do it the right way in order to protect yourself, and
especially children if involved, in the process.
Don’t let your anger, or emotions get in the way of the goal, to
divorce the abuser and move on with your life with as minimal effect
on your rights as possible, and or, impact to your children.
First of all, check with your particular state
law as they vary to make sure you’re in compliance.
Different states – even jurisdictions have different laws and
procedures, so do your research. Second, watch what you read on the
web regarding this subject, some of the information is good and some
is not so good (my opinion only). The only place
to know is through the help of law enforcement, social workers, and
a good attorney (step two). So beware of where
you get your information. It could make all the difference in the
world to a decent outcome.
Most important if you are suffering physical
abuse, or you feel as though your life will be threatened (or if
your children will be threatened); contact your local law
enforcement agency, as well as a domestic violence shelter.
Sometimes abusive partners will resort to violence, either harming
you, the kids, and themselves. PROTECT
YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN is the number one priority in
these cases, NOT your property, money, etc. Stuff
can be replaced, you’re life and your family can’t.
STEP ONE: One thing
to do even before you get to the point of divorce is to document the
narcissist’s or other abuser’s behavior. This is
the predatory phase. Writing down their actions
of their abuse will become very helpful when you reached step two.
If the abuser has been physically abusive, especially to you
or the children, that needs to be documented as well.
Police reports, emergency room visits, social workers, all of
it need to be categorized, written down in as chronological order as
possible. When possible enlist the aid of social workers, domestic
violence shelter worker, for their guidance as well. When
speaking with social workers, domestic violence shelter workers,
police, talk factually about the abuser’s behavior, past threats.
One caveat you’ll likely run into especially
when reporting domestic violence is that the female narcissist,
borderline, and other abusers will likely try to smooth the police
over by play acting, or letting the police believe that YOU are the
perpetrator, not the victim, so make sure you have the story
together. During cases of domestic violence, no
matter how much you feel like retaliating, don’t.
Stand your ground, but if you have to leave the
premises then do so. Another thing some victims have
found useful is to use a cell phone to record their rants, threats,
actions to be able to prove your side of the story. Contrary to what
people think this is legal and is a good tool to have when they try
to pin everything on you.
When you speak to law enforcement let them know
whether there are any weapons in the house (not a good idea if you
have an abusive person anywhere on the premises), or other weapons.
If you can, while the process is moving forward, remove all
weapons from the house and store them somewhere else, so that they
are inaccessible to the abuser. This information will also be
helpful especially when the writ of divorce is delivered by the
court.
Normally the writ of divorce will be delivered
by a court office (process server), or better the local sheriff. A
process server has the same authority, but in some cases is not a
police officer, but the police can assist in this area by the court
– or process server’s office - requesting they be present with the
process deliverer when the writ is served. If you
know the abuser will react violently make sure you are in a safe,
and secure location with friends, family, when this happens.
DON’T BE AT HOME WITH THE ABUSER! If the
abuser is handed the writ for divorce at their place of work, or
other location, make sure you are not at home when they arrive after
work.
Again, this is only if you think they will
react violently when they arrive home.
Therefore, such an action will only play out to
your detriment. If you feel that the children
are in immediate danger, or if she may leave to some unknown
location and take the children with her to halt the proceedings,
have your attorney petition the court for temporary custody,
restraining orders, etc., until the court decides the
case. However, in NO CASE take the law into your own
hands.
Again, be very careful in leaving the female
narcissist, borderline, or other abuser. This is
especially true when married and when children are involved.
However if you gain good legal counsel to protect yourself
and your rights, the process can go a lot smoother.
The Importance of NO CONTACT
You will never escape the madness of an abusive relationship until you leave and go NO CONTACT...
Abuse isn't Love!
Learn to stop letting things that happen "without", affect your joy "within"...