The Importance of No Contact

Look around the web on the subject of narcissistic relationships and you’ll see the term, “No Contact”.  It’s the first suggested action to take after leaving a narcissist.   There is simply no better way to move on and heal.  But what does it mean and how do you do it?  The first thing you need to decide before going no contact is that you are definitely and completely done with this person.  You might have just left them and gotten out, but are you absolutely convinced you are done with them?  Think about it before you answer because the success of going no contact is directly related to the success of moving on from the narcissist.   As far as you are concerned you never want to see them again.  You’re done, done, done.

If you can’t say you had enough, then going no contact isn’t going to work.  It’s not going to work because without a firm commitment to stay away from the narcissist you’re going to eventually make contact.

This is because regardless of how much you try to stay away from the narcissist, they will try to bring you back into their clutches.  Narcissist can’t stand to be left alone.  To them they’ll do the breaking up – thank you very much.  When the victim initiates the breakup it causes what is known as Narcissistic Injury.   Or you will respond to them when one day they make contact and they likely will.   If you’ve haven’t decided enough is enough then you’ll go back for more and rest assured if you reconnect that’s what you’ll get, more of the same, only likely much worse.  It’s like alcoholics who quit drinking, but relapse thinking it will be different this time.  No it won’t, it will be worse, much worse.  You have to think of your narcissist in the same way.  They are like a drug/drink that is no good for you, and never will be good for you.  No matter what you do, how you dress, whether you get in shape, it won’t change, it will never work with the narcissist. 

Yeah, you recover your stuff and become a success your narcissist will likely contact you, with alligator tears, telling you how sorry they are and then as expected you will hit the mat again, sooner or later.  There is no way it turns out good for you.  So you have to make the decision have you had enough?

Ok, so you have, what’s next?  Well that depends on a few things.  1) If you’ve married her.  2) Married and have kids, or 3) Just dating.

If you’re just dating and not sharing finances (if you still have any) or kids, then Haustella-vista baby, it’s goodbye.  Hit the road and don’t look back.  Block her number, change yours, block her from all social media, and better yet change your profile.  If you have items that she’s in possession of get the back before you split otherwise, kiss them goodbye.  But cut all ties, get out, never come back.

If however you are married or share resources and have kids it’s a bit more difficult.  The suggestion is get a lawyer.  Narcissists are ruthless when it comes to divorce to be on the lookout for game-playing and cutthroat tactics.  They will use the kids against you, invent stories, call you a pedophile, do anything to paint you in a bad light.  Narcissist dread abandonment, they hate to lose, and when you call it quits you’re committing the unpardonable sin.   You’ve told them they no longer have control over you, it’s over and you’re moving on.

They don’t like not getting the last word.  As I told you I had left my narc for a week with no contact before she texted me it was over.  Yeah, like “duh”.  Then after another two weeks she’s dropping a Dear John letter in my mailbox, which I didn’t read, because it didn’t matter, I burned it.   I could have cared less at that point what she had to say, I knew it was all bullshit and games and craziness.  I had enough of that.  That’s what no contact means.

Again, going no contact with a narcissist can be a harrowing experience.  Be ready to be slandered, with them telling people all about how you were an abusive person and picked your nose, and killed kittens and pulled wings off flies.  Even worse they’ll accuse you of being verbally and physically abusive and they’ll especially tell their new “flame” or “target” all about you.  But that’s not your problem and frankly you’re just one in a line of suitors who they either dumped (discarded) or were dumped by that they make up stories and lie about you to keep their false persona alive and well.  Whatever, you’re done, never to see or talk to them again.  You’ve move on.   Of course again if you have to divorce them this will take a while to break free, but you can still go no contact as much as possible.  Again, get legal counsel and arrange all contact through the court, or court assigned mediator.  Especially get out in front of child custody so that they are not able to turn the court against you accusing you without evidence of doing things you would never do.

Just be ready, it will be a war, but if you stay the course, and mean it, you’ll get through it.

TPmcatamney

Excerped from My Waffles are Cold - A Man's Guide to Abusive Women